reprimanding myself…

I feel compelled to clarify some of the things I said in my last post, so that I don’t alienate any of my readers (do I have more than one??) because of my “pain of the moment” writing :)

First, as Mike pointed out in his comment, I suppose I will take back my name calling of myself (although there are some days when I certainly FEEL like a fat cow), however I had a good reason for calling myself an idiot. See, even in my irrational ranting over my unchanged diagnosis, I knew that the things I was upset about were completely ridiculous, idiotic even, because, as I mentioned, why would any rational person prefer MDI’s over or in addition to a healthy diet?

Second, I should have used a lot more “quotation marks” when talking about T1’s vs. T2’s. A lot of things that I said are the common misconceptions that I know I hear from my side frequently. I’m certainly not playing the blame game on anyone’s genetics!

Some of the things that bug me about being a T2, though, are those common misconceptions, even by doctors and especially health insurance companies. With the insurance aspect, as a T2, if I get pregnant and am still on insulin, it will still be difficult for me to get on a pump for tighter control just because health insurance companies tend to feel that they are unnecessary for a T2, no matter what the circumstances.

The same generally holds true with test strips. Since with my old insurance didn’t cover any endocrinologists anywhere near me, I never bothered getting one, but my PCP is very cool and wants me to be proactive with my diabetes. She is the one who helps me get enough strips to currently test about 7 times a day, which is the max for my insurance. That’s a lot better than other T2’s I know who are only allowed to test 1 time per day. But if get married and change insurance again, I may be stuck with the “T2 doesn’t need to test that often” and won’t be able to. I know I’m still a newbie and maybe I will eventually be glad that I can’t test, but personally, I LOVE data. I love knowing what my numbers are. I would love to be on a CGM just to see the trends and know whats going on a little bit more!

And that’s just the stuff from insurance companies. From a personal perspective, I have seen people who should know better sit back and say that at least its not as “bad” as being a T1. And on the flipside I’ve had T1’s actually look DOWN on me, because I’m “only” a T2. So apart from the DOC, that’s what I run into all the time! Another weird aspect that I keep seeing, being near the Detroit area, is surprise that I’m a T2, because that’s something that inner city people get… (???? what????)

So hopefully that clears up a little bit about the stuff I was talking about in my last post. Like I said, I certainly don’t want to step on any toes just because I was upset. Generally I have a pretty good outlook on things, and try to put things in the proper perspective when I’m writing so that I don’t sound biased or anything. Thanks again to Mike for pointing out that I had lost my perspective :)

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first day of school

To put in a brighter note since my last post was a bit dismal…

I get to start school today! Now granted, I’ve been out of high school for 15 years and have been going to school on and off ever since, so I have a LOT of classes under my belt already. Which is why the classes I’m taking this semester are the last of the prerequisites.

The one starting today is a required class, Business Communications. Basically it’ll be teaching me how to do the job that I currently do! I might have been able to get out of it, but there just wasn’t enough time for me to work with my boss and put together a portfolio proving it. Who knows, maybe I’ll learn something new :)

The class I start next month is actually a refresher for me. Its Medical Terminology, which I’ve already taken before and got a passing grade in, but since I’m going into the Medical Assisting program for real this time, I figure it’ll be better if I have a refresher. Thats an online class though, so it’ll be less of a hassle since I’m still trying to work while I go to school.

So yay! I’ll post more when I find out more!

at least I know it IS all my fault…

So I had some lab tests done last week to check on various things. They checked my cholesterol to see if the simvastatin I started taking 3 months ago is working, and they tested for GAD antibodies to see if I’m a Type 1.5 (LADA) or a Type 2.

I heard back from the doctor today, finally, and while she was a bit brief in her voicemail, it was because it was all good news! She said my cholesterol looked “beautiful” so the simvastatin is working well, and she said that I tested negative for the antibodies, so I’m just a plain old Type 2. Yay!

Here’s where I become an idiot….

I’ll admit, I’m a little disappointed. Why? Why would I be DISAPPOINTED that I might get to forego a lifetime of multiple daily injections or being hooked to an insulin pump? Because basically, its all my fault! Sure sure I might have gotten T2 diabetes just because, but as a T1, you can’t do anything about it. You have no say in the matter. It was going to happen anyway. Finding out that I’m a T2 just reminds me that:

a) if I wasn’t a fat cow then I might not even BE diabetic

b) if I could manage to lose weight then I might be just another person with “diabetic tendencies”

c) if I could manage to lose weight then I wouldn’t be taking insulin, and if I wasn’t taking insulin I might not be a fat cow (vicious circle, that one)

d) that for as long as I AM taking insulin, I will probably never be approved for a pump, because I’m “just a T2”, which means that until I figure out how to lose weight then I’ll be doing MDI’s

e) that I will never ever be able to just randomly eat something again.

That last one, I think, is the kicker for me. At least if I was/am taking insulin, I can eat a piece of bread, or a piece of fruit, and I know that I just need to take a bit of insulin to cover it. But as a T2, the goal is to not be on insulin, and to not be on meds at all, if possible. That means that I’m not allowed to eat anything that I enjoy, ever again.

While I know there is some stuff that is T2 friendly that is absolutely delicious, that means leaving out yummy helpings of fruits, and delicious breads, and bagels, and cereals.

I know that it is absolutely ridiculous to be bummed about the fact that I might have the ability to be injection free. Why would anyone want to take injections multiple times a day, every day, or be hooked up to a pump all the time? Why am I sitting at my desk at work in tears because my doctor just gave me “good” news? Because it just makes everything that much harder…

1. The road to getting OFF insulin is going to be harder because the only way to really do it is to lose weight. Half the weight that’s there is because I’m ON insulin in the first place. So that’s harder right there.

2. Eating healthier is something that I’ve been trying to do for a while now, as well as diminishing the amount that I eat. Both of those things are going well, but I’m not losing ANY weight. Plus, healthy eating doesn’t mean that I have to cut out breads and cereals, just making good choices about them. Being a T2 means that I DO have to cut that stuff out.

3. If I manage to get off insulin, then if I DO eat something “wrong”, I have no way of fixing it. That means that I might have highs that last longer, highs that I can’t correct for, and highs that cause complications that could put me in the hospital or cause long term problems. And I can’t do anything about them, because there IS nothing you can do for them as a T2.

4. I’ll probably be forced to reduce the amount of times I test per day, so I’ll never even know if I’m high.

5. If I go off insulin, the only way that I’ll be able to keep my A1c in range is by losing tons of weight and never eating yummy things again, which is going to take a very very long time, which means that I won’t be able to try and get pregnant if I ever get married, because it will be such a long struggle to get there that by the time I do I’ll be too old to have babies.

Yes, I know I’m an idiot.

I am glad to know that I can make myself be healthy, that its all in my hands. But that also means I’m the only one to blame when I can’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I was already PLANNING on doing most of those things. Like I mentioned in #2 up there, I was already eating healthier and fixing my portion sizes. But now it feels like I’m not the one choosing to do so, I’m going to be FORCED to do so. Its not ME choosing whether or not to eat something I want, its being FORCED to not eat the things I might have chosen to.

So yeah. I’m a little disappointed. I’m glad for the good news, but disappointed about the view.

high?

After exercising close to bedtime last night, having a little bit of a snack, and turning in with a respectable BG of 96 (good for me because I have a little dawn phenomena I think), I expected to wake up this morning in an acceptable fasting BG range and pay close attention during the day to make sure I wasn’t starting to head low, since the exercise thing is new to me.

I was NOT expecting to wake up seeing a 149 which stayed there the whole day! When I started getting ready to leave work I tested again to make sure I was still good to go for my drive home, and again, I didn’t need to worry… rocking away at 155, 2 ½ hours after eating lunch.

Now I’m trying to figure out if I’m just a control freak who needs to let go, or what. My A1c is a pretty decent 6.5%, and my meter readings generally agree. So should I be getting all irritated at a 150 that sticks around for the day, or is that just crazy? I’m wondering what other people consider “high”. I mean, obviously a 300 popping up randomly is gonna be high, but that’s just a given. What is a “normal” high? At what point do you stop sitting back complacently and start correcting?

I hope I’m not going to piss anyone off by complaining about a 150 when that might be normal for quite a lot of people. But for me, getting my numbers in that range after being uncontrolled since diagnosis was something I had to work to get to, and I’m glad to be there! I think its just the OCD part of me coming out and getting angry with that number. In all honestly, I’m not too terribly concerned about it, unless it just keeps climbing or something, but it struck me as interesting that I was frustrated with it all day today, and it made me wonder what other people’s opinions were!

Anyone have any?

I’ve got it together…

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately!

I feel on track with my future career. I am going to finish school and have this career under my belt. I’m sick of always having something be in the way. Be it class schedules vs. work schedules, or me not being SURE that I’m in the right career path, or me not having the funds to get it moving. I’m sick of waiting for it! I want to be officially doing something that I will enjoy, as my actual job.

And I’m on that path. I start my Business Communications class , which is my final pre-requisite class, next Tuesday, one week from today. I’m also taking a refresher in Medical Terminology (not because I need the class or grade, but because I’d rather have all those terms fresh in my head). I officially start the program this winter, and as long as everything goes on schedule I’ll be finished in June of 2012! Yay!

I feel in control of my Diabetes. I saw my doctor last Wednesday and will be heading in to have my lab work done in a couple of days. Fasting blood work always throws me off because I do better at it if I can do it first thing in the morning. In that regard, I had to wait till a day when we will almost definitely not be busy.

I wasn’t able to get another A1c done because last time I was classified as “in control” because my A1c was under 7%, so my insurance will only cover it after 6 months. I wish I could have known what it was though, since I started the Januvia 2 months ago and the Metformin (again) 3 months ago and I’d like to see how its going. But I guess “in control” is good!

I am also getting the lab work done to see if I have LADA, or type 1.5, or whatever you want to classify it as. If it comes back with positive antibodies, then that’ll be that. At least I will know if I’ll be on insulin forever or if I might be able to come off and just be on pills or nothing.

I’m very happy with my love life. As I posted yesterday, I’m with the man that I know I’m supposed to be with, and plan to be with forever. Even after almost a year and a half, and most of that living in the same place together, I still miss him when I’m not near him, and my heart still flutters when he smiles. I am more content now than I have ever been at any point in my life. Being with Dustin makes me feel safe and warm and fuzzy. :)

So yeah.. I’m doing pretty good, I think :)

too long to wait!

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m so antsy to have Dustin propose and to finally get married.

I think part of it is because I feel like I waited too long to get to be with him. Too many issues contributed to me not meeting him until I was already 32 years old. Too many things held onto by hope, when they should have been let go. I feel like I’m just too damn impatient to get into the life I should have been having all this time. I should have been living all these years married to the person that I love more than anything. We should have been together, moving forward with our lives together, not apart. I should have been enjoying my life with him, with a degree already completed and already well into a career, so that even if it HAD taken this long to be ready to have kids, I would be completely ready to have them now.

I don’t feel like I need to tie him into something, or feel worried that I need to get him attached to me quickly, or anything like that. Honestly, I feel so secure in my relationship, and so sure that this is what it will be like forever, that I don’t even feel like I need to be married. But… the traditionalist in me wants to be married before I start a family. And I want to start a family!

Why this pressing need to get moving on this? First, I’m getting to the age where I’ll soon be classified as “too old”… meaning that I move from a high risk group (with Diabetes) to a further high risk group of old people trying to have kids. I don’t actually feel old. Except that I know the old biological clock is ticking away. I feel like my Diabetes is in control. I feel like my life is in order. I want to lose some weight, but I’m hopefully on the right track for that as well.

The only thing throwing me for a little loop is the school thing. I want to be done, but I want kids more. I don’t want to hold off trying to have kids until I’m done because then I might be too late. I can always finish a semester of school if life throws me for a loop. I may not be able to “always” get pregnant.

I may not be able to get pregnant at all for that matter. What if I can’t get pregnant? I will be disappointed, sure. Hugely disappointed. I will wonder if its something I did, or because I waited so long. And I might never know. But I would be comfortable adopting a child as well. So I know that I don’t want to hurry up and get married ONLY to have kids.

I think I’m just excited to be able to say and know that I’m tied to him. Proud to share his name. Happy to be able to stand with him forever, through everything that life might throw at us. Every little thing that could happen, good or bad, will shape our lives together. I just can’t wait to get started!

i didn’t do it!

I was holding scissors in my hand when I happened to glance in the mirror on my cubicle wall.  I was so tempted to just cut off that stupid piece of my bangs that always flips up and out like I’ve grown wings and am going to fly away at any moment.

But I didn’t.

Because I’m sure if I did it would be “wrong” and I would be pissed at my hair forevermore.

Stupid hair.