at least I know it IS all my fault…

So I had some lab tests done last week to check on various things. They checked my cholesterol to see if the simvastatin I started taking 3 months ago is working, and they tested for GAD antibodies to see if I’m a Type 1.5 (LADA) or a Type 2.

I heard back from the doctor today, finally, and while she was a bit brief in her voicemail, it was because it was all good news! She said my cholesterol looked “beautiful” so the simvastatin is working well, and she said that I tested negative for the antibodies, so I’m just a plain old Type 2. Yay!

Here’s where I become an idiot….

I’ll admit, I’m a little disappointed. Why? Why would I be DISAPPOINTED that I might get to forego a lifetime of multiple daily injections or being hooked to an insulin pump? Because basically, its all my fault! Sure sure I might have gotten T2 diabetes just because, but as a T1, you can’t do anything about it. You have no say in the matter. It was going to happen anyway. Finding out that I’m a T2 just reminds me that:

a) if I wasn’t a fat cow then I might not even BE diabetic

b) if I could manage to lose weight then I might be just another person with “diabetic tendencies”

c) if I could manage to lose weight then I wouldn’t be taking insulin, and if I wasn’t taking insulin I might not be a fat cow (vicious circle, that one)

d) that for as long as I AM taking insulin, I will probably never be approved for a pump, because I’m “just a T2”, which means that until I figure out how to lose weight then I’ll be doing MDI’s

e) that I will never ever be able to just randomly eat something again.

That last one, I think, is the kicker for me. At least if I was/am taking insulin, I can eat a piece of bread, or a piece of fruit, and I know that I just need to take a bit of insulin to cover it. But as a T2, the goal is to not be on insulin, and to not be on meds at all, if possible. That means that I’m not allowed to eat anything that I enjoy, ever again.

While I know there is some stuff that is T2 friendly that is absolutely delicious, that means leaving out yummy helpings of fruits, and delicious breads, and bagels, and cereals.

I know that it is absolutely ridiculous to be bummed about the fact that I might have the ability to be injection free. Why would anyone want to take injections multiple times a day, every day, or be hooked up to a pump all the time? Why am I sitting at my desk at work in tears because my doctor just gave me “good” news? Because it just makes everything that much harder…

1. The road to getting OFF insulin is going to be harder because the only way to really do it is to lose weight. Half the weight that’s there is because I’m ON insulin in the first place. So that’s harder right there.

2. Eating healthier is something that I’ve been trying to do for a while now, as well as diminishing the amount that I eat. Both of those things are going well, but I’m not losing ANY weight. Plus, healthy eating doesn’t mean that I have to cut out breads and cereals, just making good choices about them. Being a T2 means that I DO have to cut that stuff out.

3. If I manage to get off insulin, then if I DO eat something “wrong”, I have no way of fixing it. That means that I might have highs that last longer, highs that I can’t correct for, and highs that cause complications that could put me in the hospital or cause long term problems. And I can’t do anything about them, because there IS nothing you can do for them as a T2.

4. I’ll probably be forced to reduce the amount of times I test per day, so I’ll never even know if I’m high.

5. If I go off insulin, the only way that I’ll be able to keep my A1c in range is by losing tons of weight and never eating yummy things again, which is going to take a very very long time, which means that I won’t be able to try and get pregnant if I ever get married, because it will be such a long struggle to get there that by the time I do I’ll be too old to have babies.

Yes, I know I’m an idiot.

I am glad to know that I can make myself be healthy, that its all in my hands. But that also means I’m the only one to blame when I can’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I was already PLANNING on doing most of those things. Like I mentioned in #2 up there, I was already eating healthier and fixing my portion sizes. But now it feels like I’m not the one choosing to do so, I’m going to be FORCED to do so. Its not ME choosing whether or not to eat something I want, its being FORCED to not eat the things I might have chosen to.

So yeah. I’m a little disappointed. I’m glad for the good news, but disappointed about the view.

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2 thoughts on “at least I know it IS all my fault…

  1. LYNN!!! This post makes me so sad! It makes me sad because you call yourself a "fat cow" and an "idiot" and I know from reading this blog that you are both beautiful and smart.I know that this is your pity party, and we're all allowed to get down from time to time. BUT COME ON GIRL!On top of that, you're touching a very sensitive topic…it's kind of tabooooooo (added Os for emphasis) to talk about Type I = involuntary and Type II = voluntary. There is a certain amount of genetics involved with a type II diagnosis, and some people might jump on your I-Did-This-To-Myself outlook. Just saying.With all of that being said…I still love that you shared this. It feels very raw and real. Each time one of us decides to accurately post our feelings, we're doing a service to the people that will find us through Google or TuDiabetes or wherever.WITH LOVE!

  2. I will admit, that in the heat of the moment (per se), I probably wasn't as clear as I wanted to be :) This is the problem with blogging while upset!!I think I will make this comment a separate blog post actually… maybe tomorrow if I can't do it tonight (3 posts in one day?? god forbid!!) Thank you for the perspective, Mike! :)

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